One banana, a cup of hot tea in a cozy cabin on a cold winter day. This is representative of most of my mornings now. Simple and unhurried. The mug is a favorite of mine. I bought it a couple years ago at the hospital gift shop when I worked in the clinic there. It sat on my desk to remind me that the Triune God lives within me and regardless of what circumstances the days would bring, I was to rejoice always (1 Thessalonian 5:16. The verse on the cup)and be His representative to the people I served and worked with.

My mornings then were anything but unhurried. Infact, most days held a fair amount of chaos and drama from the time I got up until I closed my eyes at the end of the day. But sometimes it didn’t end then. There were nights that same  chaos and drama entered into my dreams.

I worked in a county medical clinic as an RN with a wonderful and professional healthcare team. We never knew what was going to be presented when patients walked through that door. We had to be prepared to deal with everything from the routine wellness exam to the common cold to potential life threatening situations or complete irrational meltdowns. Preparation to meet every need was the order of each day. We had to be able to think on our toes. There were times when we did not have what we needed on hand, times when we needed to tailor a treatment to the patient’s specific needs or had to improvise to get a job done but always, the patient’s well being was first and a good outcome foremost. Education was a big part of care giving. It was critical that patients understood their diagnosis, their medications, their treatment plan and the outcome goals. Sometimes empathy and a hug were more therapeutic than any drug . I even had opportunities to pray with patients. I can recall some very tearful pleas going up to the Lord as well as some praises. But regardless of the patient’s reason for coming or their spiritual preference, they all needed to be encouraged and cared for. A few minutes of my time, a smile and warm respect were essential to the well being of every person. It was not always appreciated nor offered in return and it wasn’t always easy to administer. But I tried to remember that often the unkind folks are the ones who need kindness the most. #rejoicealways!

The phone was never silent and the party on the other end was usually calling to have a need fulfilled. A prescription refill, advice, an appointment, a question regarding treatment plans, a referral to another physician or specialist, a request for records or documentation, a report, an authorization for procedure or diagnostics,  a complaint and so much more. But much time was spent answering the phone or making  calls.

I cannot say the job was not rewarding. There were far more good days and postive outcomes than there were bad. I did enjoy caring for people and interacting with them. Most of my patients become very dear to me over the course of time, some even like family. I could often anticipate their needs and they trusted me to offer them my best. Many patients were thankful and went out of their way to make sure we knew they appreciated us.

My co-workers functioned well as a team and I never worried about having the necessary support in any situation. We did a great job of taking care of each other and our patients. We made the most of everyday together and laughed and celebrated special events together. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, babies, graduations were all good reasons for a potluck and treats and we had plenty! When my mother became ill and my co-workers had to step up to the plate and fill my abscense, not one person complained and when she died, those people made sure I knew they cared with cards, gifts, food and hugs. The environment could not have been more supportive.

But neither can I say that it was not stressful, demanding and challenging. Caring for other people takes a tremendous amount of committment. It requires physical,emotional and mental energy that can be exhausting. It was not the kind of job you walk away from at the end of the day. You may well clock out and walk away logistically, but it goes home with you. The patient newly diagnosed with cancer, the patient that died unexpectedly, the family that is falling apart, that moment that you weren’t as professional as you should have been, it all goes home with you. You wonder if you forgot to complete any of the high priority tasks. Did Mr A ever fully understand your instructions regarding his treatment? Was the new mom comfortable with understanding what to do for baby’s fever? Did that trucker who was calling from out of state park his truck , call for that ambulance and go to the ER for his chest pain as he was directed? Did I document that well enough in his chart? Did I remember to pass on that message from the med surg floor to doc in the hustle and bustle of the day, did I remember to clean up and restock the treatment room after that last procedure? Did I forget to call anyone back, is there a patient who will have a night of anxiety because I forgot to call them?

Then there was the pile of work still there on the next work day. The prior authorization you are struggling to obtain for a diagnostic test, medication or procedure, the documentation that has to be worded just right in order for Mrs J’s home oxygen to be continued, the stack of prescriptions that need to be faxed to the pharmacy, the documentation that needs to be faxed to insurance for continued cancer treatments for the next quarter, the immunizations that need to be registered with the state. Your mind is constantly engaged as you try to think of people and resources that you can plug your patient in to so they can get the assistance needed for their well being. The accountability and responsibility of a healthcare professional is a full time commitment. You never get a vacation from it mentally. It is always there in the back of your mind even when you are not aware of it.

But for me, it wasn’t just the caring for people that overwhelmed me and stole my joy. It was the changing dynamics of  our culture and of the whole  healthcare system. I first entered nursing after graduating in 1989 and in 26 years the world and healthcare have changed dramatically. It has always been challenging and demanding. HCP’s have always worked long hours and given of themselves for the welfare of others. No one goes in to the field without being aware of the nature of the beast. But until you begin to deal in people’s lives and start working within the confines of a system that is not always about the best welfare of a person but rather the bottom dollar, you cannot be prepared for what is actually experienced in the field.

There is a change in the way people view healthcare today. Rather than accepting sound advice on prevention and making healthy lifestyle changes, patients want a pill or a quick fix. It is no longer sufficient for a provider to map out a basic plan for smoking cessation or weight loss  with diet and exercise, or anxiety relief through prayer and meditation, insomnia with a prescribed change in routine and diet as a first plan of treatment. Good old common sense counsel is not acceptable anymore. Folks expect to walk out of the office with a prescription in hand to fix whatever ails them.

And there is a change in the role of government, big pharma and insurance companies in healthcare. The powers that be have more control leaving the healthcare providers ( the ones with the education and expertise) less control in deciding how the patient’s care is administered.

There is the issue of liability. Lawsuits abound and some of them are unbelievably ridiculous. The thought of litigation is concerning. When I had a television, it seemed as if every other commercial was an ad for a law firm promising to win some medical lawsuit.

Ever changing technology, new medications, new medical equipment, new policies… constant changes. Everything is continually changing in the name of progress.

I understand change and progress are part of life and many great things have been accomplished over the course of my lifetime. Things that have vastly improved the quality of life for many, including myself, for which I am thankful. But change is not always good. Faster and more convenient are not always better. Medication is not always a good replacement for wise counsel and time spent administering it.

I began to feel that the one arena of my life that I thought would always be about the good of others was now just another stressor crushing me. There was no part of my life, personal or professional, that was untouched by the rat race.  The struggle was real and the burnout painful. That cup on my desk was often in the way as I worked. I rarely gave it a thought even though I may have looked at it often all through the day.  I was too preoccupied to take the time to jejoice always. I had no peace and no sense of contentment. I had no time for my Savior and I was missing those quiet seasons when I could just be still and know that he is God.

Looking back I am aware that He was using my life even then to glorify Himself and to bless others. He is God and He is good. But He used that discontentment to shift my direction. As His children, we are in this world but we are not a part of it and we cannot let it wear us down and lose sight of Him, His plan for us or our calling to honor Him by obedience to His word. I had lost sight of all of that. My life had spiraled downward. As desperate as I was to be joyful and to be a joy, I was too beaten down  and something had to go. I resigned from my job. It was just one of several modifications that would be made in my life for His glory.

I may one day return to nursing, I don’t know. He knows the plan. But for now, I am content to spend time resting in His Word, and being restored spiritually. There are new dreams and a new journey in sight. I look forward to where He will lead me. But for today I am content eating a banana, sipping a cup of tea and just breathing.